“Breathe,” I tell myself, “Breathe”… It was a long day, with a lot of emotions and as I settle into bed the only words that come out are the ones from my eyes - tears.
I lie in bed sobbing, my hand holds the phone, my beloved on the other end of the line, holding the space as I dissolve into tears… I cry, I sob, I surrender to life as it is.
In every joyous moment there is pain – in every pain there is joy - in every yes, a no – in every no, a yes. The day to day struggle of life is often powerfully painful and the Kodak moments deeply joyful as we journey through this mystery called life.
“Breathe”, I hear my partner telling me over the phone line – “breathe, my darling. “ So I do… I slowly take a few breaths as I allow myself to feel the depth of the conflict that lives in my soul.
At this time of the year, as we awaken to a dark world and return home from work/ school in darkness as well, I wonder about our desire to create light and take away the darkness.
Is this really what we need? Is that what is asked of us? When things become difficult and we stand in the darkness, do we quickly grab a candle to take away the uncomfortable place inside of us?
Each tradition has a holiday that brings light into the darkness. As I drive I notice the Christmas holiday decorations illuminating the streets. I take in their beauty. I see Jewish homes preparing Menorah’s to be lit. They will start with one small candle, one tiny flame, suddenly powerful in its ability to take away the darkness.
Perhaps at this time of night, we may want to take a few minutes and sit in the darkness, sit in the pain, to allow ourselves to feel the sadness the surrounds us, the shadows that live in our soul. Not so much that it overtakes us. These dark places inside of us. Rather, I have been brought to the understanding that until I face these feelings of darkness, the night of despair will linger. I must feel these feelings, in order to move past them, and be brought into the light.
Only once we have allowed our hearts to shatter, our tears to flow, our voice to cry out in agony, will we get up and breathe, reconnecting to our source of life; seeing the light, and feeling the joy once again.